Let’s start from the beginning.

I wanted to start a blog to talk about my life. I never thought I’ve had anything really interesting to say, but now I have experienced a few things in life, I feel now that is a good time to start writing it all down for people to read and hopefully relate to me.

Lets start with my relationship with Matt. I’ve known him since I was a sweet 16-year old (he’d probably say differently) and he was 26. It felt like such a cool thing to know an older guy and to be seen in public with him back then. We dated for a while then lost contact, went our separate ways for around ten years. When we finally got to talk again, Matt was going through a messy divorce and I was in an unhappy relationship with a boyfriend. We talked for a while. I found the courage to leave my boyfriend at the time (not because anything untoward was happening, I was just scared of being on my own, I guess), bought my own flat and started dating again. I had profiles on a few online dating sites and only ever met weird people; I’ll never attempt that again! But it didn’t matter because I only had eyes for Matt anyway. But he didn’t feel the same, cue sad song. Maybe my heart will go on – Céline Dion.

He was seeing other women and I was just a friend, but obviously wanted more and he didn’t. What on earth did I have to do to get him to like me?

Then one day I told him I was seeing this guy and I think he was secretly jealous and decided that I was definitely the girl for him. Obviously I was excited to be starting a proper relationship with him. After about six months of being together I moved in with him and sold my flat. Two years later I fell pregnant with Darcey. Just before she turned one, matt proposed to me on the 17/10/14 at La Tasca (R.I.P) our favorite place to eat. It was a packed restaurant where on a Friday night people come in and dance to Latin music and he actually got up and danced. In a PACKED restaurant! It was mad, crazy and I totally loved it! He had been planning it for months and my best friend was in on it too. Now if you know matt, you know he can’t dance and when he does try (bless him) he could give a gay man a run for his money. He definitely doesn’t look straight when he busts a move! He makes me laugh. God, I love that man!

Now we don’t have the perfect relationship, to be honest, who does? But I wouldn’t have him any other way. Except I wish he would understand me more only because I’m extremely sarcastic and he sometimes doesn’t get that in me, he’s slowly getting there and hopefully in a few years he will understand, maybe.

Lets skip forward a few years to the present day and get my feelings on being a mother out there. After having Marnie I felt my life as a mother took a side step emotionally and the way I treat Darcey. When it was just Darcey, it was easy. She was an easy baby and the first year was a breeze with her. When she turned one, she decided to become “one of those children”! You know the ones that demand everything and want it NOW! This happened practically overnight. Thankfully matt and I stuck it out and she’s turned into quite a nice child, she’s helpful with stuff around the house, loves her baby sister and is happy to get on with things. Even though she can be annoying (yes I said that about my own child, because she can be!). Now she’s going though the I-want-that-for-my-birthday/Christmas/just-a-treat’ stage. Rolls eyes. And boy can she eat! This girl as a pit for a tummy! Just this morning she’s had daddy’s cereal, yoghurt, half of my toast and a plum. Half an hour later she was asking for more food. Its never ending!

Ok I’ve side tracked a tad. Back to the point of this part. Since Marnie has been here, I’ve definitely noticed a difference in my emotions. I had the questionnaire from the health visitor just after she was born and one question that has stuck in my mind ever since is the one that says something along the lines of “do you ever think you’re not doing a good job?” and I answered frequently yes and just cried. Now I definitely had the baby blues with Darcey, but this feels different. Marnie is hard work, she cries to be picked up all. The. Time and its draining. Darcey has sadly learnt that I can’t do much with her because Marnie has my attention most of the time. I try so hard to make her happy and get her busy with activities through the day. Even if she wants to watch her favourite film (Trolls). I put it on for her and sit and watch with her. She loves to be able to recite the words during the film (takes after me, which annoys matt immensely!)

We thought that Marnie might have colic, but we’ve tried everything and she is still just as whiney as before. I’m still crying for no reason and Darcey seems to just be on my case about doing stuff all day. Sometimes I do just want to lie in bed all day, but that wouldn’t be very productive for Darcey. She needs to be able to go outside and I just need to stop having the cant be bothered attitude. I shout at Darcey, sometimes for no reason then moments later have to apologise to her. She then tells me how much she loves me and I tell her I love her so much more! I think I’m ashamed of feeling down. There’s still an untold issue with mental illness and I’m trying hard to make it seem like everything is fine and I’m just getting on with things, but maybe I’m not coping that well. I don’t think its just having a baby, the weight gain is hard for me to cope with and trying to get it off is harder than before. I think Matt has noticed this fall in my emotions too and has been supportive, even when I snap at him for not reason at all (at the time he has completely annoyed me). He takes both girls out for a few hours to let me have some time for myself, which I love. And hugs me when he can see I’m sad or about to cry. He’ll ask what’s wrong and I can’t explain it to him. I think that’s hard for him and I thank him everyday (even if it’s just in my head) for the man he is, for the support he gives me and for the dad he is.

Now, I love my girls to the moon and back and would do anything for them, what mother wouldn’t? But time out for myself is definitely something I look forward to. I attend a boot camp type class and play netball regularly in my local area and I love being with adults especially the ones I hang around with. They make me laugh and that feels good. I like to laugh. It’s good for the soul apparently. I agree. The exercise is good too, I feel like I’m doing something about my weight. Matt works a job that requires shift work on a four week rolling Rota, so some weeks I don’t get in any exercise and by the end of that week I’m feeling sorry for myself, eat a bar of chocolate and feel like an elephant. My best friend has said she will help me lose the weight, but even trying to find time to do that are hard. I struggle to ask for help with the girls because to me, it looks like I’m not coping. Goodness, I’m a wreak on paper!

*side note – This post was originally written down 27th August 2017*

Updates on these two later…

Own artwork in D’s room.

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